Book Summary of Just Listen
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Mark Goulston book Just Listen Summary.
I sought something to help me connect with other people when I picked up Mark Goulston's Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone.
I've been searching for methods to develop and connect better as a manager at the moment, but it's a theme that comes up for me a lot in both professional and personal connections.
Just Listen provides a set of tools for everyone to use to connect better, listen more, and, as the name implies, communicate with anyone. After reading this book, I'm not an expert, but I'm much more deliberate in my approach to interactions.
In the book, Goulston offers a variety of tools and strategies, but I'm going to focus on just a few that are easy to show in summary. Many of the characters in the book have fascinating backstories and drawings that would be difficult to appreciate without reading the book.
I'll be summarizing:
· The Persuasion Cycle
· Mirroring
· Being Vulnerable
· Transactional vs. Transformational Conversations
· The Power Thank You
The Cycle of Persuasion
One of the first topics Goulston discusses in Just Listen is the Persuasion Cycle. Although I think of it more linearly than as a genuine cycle, it's an excellent place to start.
When trying to persuade someone of something (especially if they aren't interested), you must first listen to them in order to properly guide them through the following steps:
The first two steps of the cycle, from resisting to hearing, and from listening to considering, are the center of the book. That brings us to Mirroring, one of Goulston's early tools.
Mirroring
This method is utilized to disarm someone and show them that you're paying attention and understanding what they're saying. We've probably all heard of mirroring in the past: mirroring someone's speech, tone of voice, manerisms, and so on. Or imitating someone's posture, such as how they sit, stand, cross their legs, and so on. These methods let you connect unconsciously with the person you're mirroring.
The type of mirroring Goulston explains in Just Listen appears to be significantly more powerful. He describes a technique for saying out loud exactly what's on the other person's mind and asking whether that's what they're thinking. Finally, the goal is to get this person to listen instead of rejecting, which is the first stage in the persuasion cycle.
Example: Although Goulston's first example is extreme, it does show the point.
He described a circumstance in which a man was standing in a parking lot with a gun to his head, preparing to murder him. The police, as well as the negotiating team and others, arrive to try to reason with him.
The negotiating officer (perhaps not his true title) attempts unsuccessfully for an hour and a half to calm the man in the automobile. Nothing is working, and the situation is terrible. There's a new negotiator on the scene, and he's got some advise.
Officer #1, he says, tell him this:
"I'm sure you feel that no one understands what it's like to have tried everything else and now have this as your only option, isn't that right?"
Pay attention to the sentence's structure. It's simple: I'm sure you're in the mood for _________, right?
The man in the car confirms that's how he's feeling, though he's still unhappy. The officer strikes again:
"Yeah, and I'll bet you think nobody understands what it's like to get up every day thinking there's a better chance things will go wrong than right. Isn't that also true?"
Following that, the man in the car begins to unwind a little. He's starting to understand what's going on. The officer begins repeating what the man is saying to make sure he's paying attention. After some time, they could safely remove the man from the vehicle.
Even though this was an extreme example, I immediately came up with a couple scenarios in which I could apply this type of question to my own life. We often have a good idea of how other people feel and think, but we don't often contemplate sharing that information. This amount of openness may be both disarming and beneficial.
Can you think of a case when this would be useful? These tactics can be applied to every connection, including those at home, at business, and with friends and family.
Being Vulnerable
"If you show them your neck, they'll want to show you theirs," says the narrator.
This is a simple one that I believe we all know but may benefit from a reminder now and again. One method to help others connect with you is to be vulnerable.
When you share your vulnerabilities with others, mirror neurons cause them to experience what you're feeling and want to help you. This means that you should be honest about your mistakes, your concerns, and when you need support, you should ask for it.
If you try to hide your mistakes or worries, people will be less inclined to help you and less likely to forgive you if you make a mistake. So, be truthful.
This openness can change people's minds about you and make them root for you instead of against you.
Transactional vs. Transformational
Questions
It's not only about opening your ears when listening to others. We ask them questions to show that we are interested in what they say.
These are transactional questions: What store did you buy the shoes from? Do you know where I might be able to obtain a pen?
These questions can also be transformative: Do you find working remotely difficult in a different time zone than the rest of the team? I know you're a fantastic cook, but how did you get started in the first place?
They must pause and ponder to answer transformational questions. This level of personal interest in a person can help move from "considering" to "willing to do."
"Creating a transformational question is straightforward," Goulston writes.
Consider the following questions: What single question will demonstrate to this person that I am interested in their ideas, interests, future success, or life? Then inquire."
Questions and transactional interactions are simply less memorable than those that are revolutionary. They don't necessarily make the other person feel bad, but they don't help you progress in your relationship. Transformational questions will aid you in progressing through the persuasion cycle and in your relationship.
Power of Thankyou
We are encouraged to say "thank you." My mother used to make me sit down and write thank you letters for any gifts I received on my birthday or other holidays when I was a kid. Without a doubt, it was a good habit to acquire.
Goulston writes about expressing gratitude for something someone did for you that meant a lot to you. "Thank you" belongs in the transactional category, yet a powerful thank you can be transformative.
The three parts of the power thank you are as follows:
Thank the individual for something unique they have done for you.
Say something like, "I know you didn't have to do ________" or "I know you went out of your way to do________" to acknowledge the person's effort in assisting you.
Tell the person how much of a difference their actions made to you.
Here's an illustration:
Consider this scenario: a coworker stays up late to compile data for a project or presentation you're working on.
"I wanted to express my gratitude for staying up late to compile all of that information for me. I know you skipped your night class to stay here and finish everything, and I appreciate it. Because of you, today's presentation was fantastic, and everyone is excited to continue forward with the project. Without all of the information you gathered, I would not have completed this project. Thank you a lot."
If possible, make your apologies in front of a group. The greater the audience, the more powerful the message.
These are only a few of the significant points in the book that stood out to me, but there are many more. This is a book I would strongly recommend to anyone who wants to strengthen their relationships or reach out to more people.
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